A Grave Marker Unveiling Ceremony and Wake

Craig Barlow, a secular humanist living in Ottawa, shares the ritual he and his stepson created to honour his wife's life ~ the unveiling of her grave marker, followed by a wake where family and friends shared stories of her life.

My dear wife, Rhoda, had MAiD on August 18, 2025. After living with cancer for eight years, she decided it was time for her last act of love to herself, to her family and to her friends. So on that day Rhoda took her leave of this mortal coil while she still had dignity and agency. On that day Rhoda's character shone bright.

Now even though you know the impending day of death, it still hits you with the shock of being punched in the stomach. So began my journey of Grief Shock to Grief Acceptance to Grief & My New Life, and finally to be in position to Live Fully again as Rhoda wished me to do.

Now grief does not go away. I still have my 'grief moments', but this only reminds me how much I loved my wife, and that I wish she was still here. But I have a new life to live, and creating a ritual was an important part of walking the journey of grief, remembrance and gratitude. I was able to arrive at the destination where my dear wife wanted me to be.

Finding Ritual

I was introduced to Be Ceremonial and Megan's book Ritual Without Religion through Humanist Canada. I cannot stress enough how helpful Megan's book was to me, as a humanist, in creating a ritual that not only honoured my wife, but was healing for me, her family and her friends.

I decided I wanted to mark this moment with a ritual in November 2025, after attending Megan's Grief Rituals & The Holidays workshop. I started thinking about it even before her book arrived in June. In addition to the book, Rhoda's son and I took advantage of Megan's ceremony coaching session, where she guided us through some ideas on how to bring it all together. It enhanced the ritual's framework.

We created a meaningful ritual, an embodied framework of feeling, to fully appreciate Rhoda's life in a way that touched each one of us individually, and as a family.

A Ceremony for Rhoda

The ritual created spaces for welcoming, appreciation and remembrance. There are three aspects of the ritual that I would like to share:

Rhoda's Songs

We prepared a list of 30 songs from a variety of artists that Rhoda loved to listen to during the various times of her life. We requested that family and friends listen to Rhoda's songs prior to our gathering so they could hear and feel what resonated with Rhoda in her life.

Rhoda's 97-year-old aunt was with us, along with her first cousin and his husband from Israel. Unfortunately, Rhoda's brother and his wife could not attend in person, so we called them, and we also called a friend in New York City. They received instructions and the Spotify list of Rhoda's songs that they could listen to.

Rhoda's Tribute Words

We unveiled the marker at Rhoda's gravesite. The rural cemetery is very open and green, yet that also meant so many bugs were flying around. Everyone lit a candle jar and left a stone on the marker.

Having family and friends choose a tribute word for Rhoda was the idea that opened something up for me. We asked everybody, from her 97-year-old aunt to her lifelong friend, to choose a tribute word that best described Rhoda to them. The words chosen were:

A warm, dignified, vibrant soul who was brave, tender-hearted, loyal, thoughtful, astute & a mentor.

The surprise to me was that though I was Rhoda's husband, I knew her the least amount of time. It was very rewarding to see how her family and friends viewed my dear wife. A kaleidoscopic rainbow of Rhoda's qualities was created. I read these tribute words at the unveiling of her grave marker. Rhoda's tribute words were then put into glass jars, together with heart stones, that everybody took home.

At the end of the unveiling, I thanked the flying insects for coming by, because they made sure we waved good-bye to Rhoda. And her son read from Marcus Aurelius:

Pass through this brief patch of time in harmony with nature, and come to your final resting place gracefully, just as a ripened olive might drop, praising the earth that nourished it and grateful to the tree that gave it growth.

Rhoda's Wake

At Rhoda's wake that followed, in the social room at my apartment, we all shared stories and objects about Rhoda's life. This allowed us to move from the sadness of the unveiling of the marker to the happiness of appreciating all aspects of Rhoda's life: the good times, the bad times, and the mundane times. The whole picture of her life.

The last aspect of the wake ritual was for everybody to choose the colour of a crocheted tulip that they would take home to remember this celebration. This was a happy moment for us all. The chosen tulip was a reminder of Rhoda that we could hold in our hands forever.

Everybody was able to take home with them the candle jar they lit, a jar containing a copy of Rhoda's tribute words, the heart stone they chose, a regular stone similar to the one they left on the marker, and finally a crocheted tulip in the colour of their choosing.

The others were really touched by the 'loot' bag that they took home. I think they thought of it as an embodied form of love and remembrance that they could hold onto and visit when needed.

What the Ritual Offered Me

For me, the most important part was the months of thinking and preparing for the ritual. The ritual itself was more a sense of completion of love and duty, and a line of demarcation so I could now live fully as Rhoda wished.

Before my dear wife's courageous, loving act, I had given very little thought to rituals, thinking that rituals were of a bygone era. Over the past year, my understanding of rituals and their importance to our humanity has increased substantially, and for this, I owe a big thanks to Megan.

A few months ago I wrote the following poem. It is one of two hundred that I wrote as I was going through my private journey of inhaling and exhaling grief, using my personal ritual of poem writing. (I call my poems Stones, for I hope they create a ripple effect when shared.)

Stone 824
Rituals are
Thoughts and Feelings
We say in certain ways
Some say they are sacred
Some say they are secular
I say
Rituals are
To be lived everyday
_{…&~~~π
CdBarlow.06.2026 Rituals Are}

I believe so strongly in the value of Megan's work that I purchased 150 copies of her book that were distributed at the Military Humanist Chaplains Conference and the World Humanist Congress held in Ottawa in 2026. I only wish I could have read her ritual book 60 years ago, for I know it would have enriched my life in big and small ways over the years.

Living Fully

This experience of creating a ritual to honour my wife's life has made me realize the importance of having everyday rituals to create awareness, meaning and sharing of our lives. So this is what I hope to do going forward in my remaining years, so I can live more fully, which was Rhoda's wish for me. Ritual has given me a process to satisfy this wish, and that is important to me.

And now, I have to create everyday rituals to Live Fully as my love Rhoda asked me to do, as her precious life was coming to an end on that August day in 2025 when she shone bright.

To anyone standing at a similar threshold and wondering whether ceremony could help ~ do it. It will deepen who you are as a person, and this will bless your family and friends.

Ceremony coaching is for anyone planning a gathering that matters and wanting a thinking partner to shape it. You can also find guidance for creating your own secular ceremonies in Ritual Without Religion, or design your own ceremony in the Be Ceremonial app.