Ceremony as a Conversation

Originally published in 2019 on Seeking Ceremony, our sister project.

For me, the difference between ceremony and ritual is that ceremony often holds more intentionality than ritual. I think I do ritual in a casual, everyday kind of way. I light my candle on my dining room table, I burn some sage, I say some prayers - it’s matter of fact. It’s my way to connect to spirit one-to-one. Ritual can be more individualistic, whereas ceremony can give rise to a communal experience.

There’s a ceremony shaped hole in our society right now. We’ve become so separate from each other and from ourselves when it comes to how we celebrate and grieve. I think it’s different for people of colour, since most of us were raised in the church, and there’s ceremony there. Yet, as people of colour, our experiences aren’t always valued or seen. I’ve learned that ceremony and ritual is something I can bring to people, and I’m trying to be more intentional with how I bring it.

What I’ve learned is that there’s a conversation between the two. There’s a place where there’s a cross over between ritual and ceremony, when you’re not holding one or the other, but holding both. For me, that’s connected to our ancestors, to nature, to the collective ‘we’. You need both. Ceremony without ritual is a planned event, not a conversation. Ritual without ceremony is a casual conversation, without the same connection back to community.

I do a lot of circle work, and when I was thinking about my experiences with circle and ceremony, I realized that this conversation started as a young kid in my grandfather’s church. My grandfather would gather us in a circle and pray with us, and I learned circle as a way to connect to spirit. When I was four years old in my Montessori class, I connected to circle as a way of learning. With my mentors, I learned that circle was a way to my ancestors. When I studied The Circle Way, I realized that circle was a way to my community. I’ve been using circle my whole life, and I believe it’s what connects us back to each other.

One of my daily rituals to feel connected is lighting my candle – the candle for me is a reminder to show up, not just physically, but to bring my whole self in. The burning of sage is how I communicate with my ancestors. It’s acknowledging there’s something greater than me, and it’s often accompanied with a prayer asking for support and a thank you. I also journal, and I use various decks of cards in that process. I probably have 40 different decks of cards – animal cards, nature cards, archetype cards. I’ll pull a card for my day or my week, and I’ll write down in my journal how that word or sentiment relates to the different parts of my life.

I document evidence – I write down the messages I receive and note how they showed up. Another ritual for me is a daily affirmation. I say the same thing to myself every day. Our words have power, and when we speak them, they come to us. Our affirmations can change over the years as we learn things, yet there’s always a need for them.

Most of us have things that are built into our lives that we may or may not recognize as ritual. They don’t have to be big things - it can be as simple as preparing the coffee pot the night before bed so you wake up to fresh coffee. It’s all about intention. Ask yourself why are you doing this or why is this important to me? What does ritual and ceremony bring to your life, and how does it connect you to the world?

When it comes to my night time rituals, I travel so much that it’s hard to be consistent because I’m in so many different places. I do take small altar items with me, and when I come home from a workshop or retreat, I place a stone under my pillow for 4 nights (I believe that stones hold stories, they hold our journeys). For me, that signals my continued learning and helps me transition back to everyday life.

One of our deepest needs is to feel that we belong. I practice circle in some form every day, and it’s usually subtle. Circle is where we not only remember that we belong to each other, but that we are each other. That’s what we experience during ceremony and ritual – we experience ourselves as an individual and the collective at the same time.